Conversation with a Squirrel

"It's no use complaining to me, mate," said the grey squirrel, drawing himself up to his full height of about ten inches or so.  "There's no sign here saying 'Birds only, squirrels keep off,'"

"Would you take any notice if I put up a sign?" I asked.

"Of course not," he replied. "Squirrels can't read, silly."

"And it doesn't seem to make any difference if I set up the bird feeder in a holly bush or some other really tricky location."


"You have to know the right way to approach a holly bush, but of course I do know it.  And as for tricky locations, I don't know what you mean. I am a squirrel.  There's no such thing as a tricky location.  Anyway, what have you got against squirrels eating these seeds?  Birds are messy and they drop half of the seeds on the ground.  Then you get weeds in your flower bed.  You should be thanking me for performing a public service."

"I don't mind so much about the seeds on the ground.  It's the climbing up the bird table that I'm objecting to."

"There's no notice here saying, 'No climbing.'"

"Now look, we've been through all that.  What about the poor red squirrels anyway.  You've driven them all off and they were here first."

"Personally I never saw a red squirrel mate.  In any case, what about the Picts?  You Scots have driven them all off and they were here first."

"Probably they forgot to put up any notices,"  I said.